How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize