I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
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