He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
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I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
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I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
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