i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
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He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
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I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
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