i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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