i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
there is glitter all over my balls
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
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