so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
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he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
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Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
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