8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
We're too hungover to prance.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
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