Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
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