You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
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Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
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She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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