I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
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She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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