I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
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Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
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Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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