I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Gay?
German.
Pity.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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