I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
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obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
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I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
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