Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
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