You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
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To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
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Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
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