I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
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I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
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Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize