So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
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you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
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