Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
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I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Randomize