So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize