i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
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