Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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