Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
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One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
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I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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