I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
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