Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
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