I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
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when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
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Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
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