at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
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well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
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I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
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