I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
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Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
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