The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
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We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
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I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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