So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
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So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
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Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
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