my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
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you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
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Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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