last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
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My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
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There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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