soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize