we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
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I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
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I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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