We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
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