So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
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also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
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First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
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