my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
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He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
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Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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