last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
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I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
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i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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