Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I cut my penus on the lid.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Randomize