A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Randomize