Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
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