no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
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Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
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The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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