your parents love me but you hate me
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
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Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I stole a fireplace last night.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
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Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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