Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
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Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
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I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
My butt remains clenched, sir.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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