So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
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Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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