I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
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He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
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I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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