My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
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It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
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I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
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