'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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