There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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