toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
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